With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
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New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
S/o to @funTweeters .
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.