If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
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A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
You are not alone 💚
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!