I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
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Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
man i love columbo
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack