I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
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BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Me: You鈥檙e going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We鈥檙e almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We鈥檙e at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn鈥檛 know I was going to daycare
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
I hope I don鈥檛 die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I鈥檓 too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma鈥檃m, I only asked you to stand up.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槅馃槅馃槅馃馃馃槀馃槀
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
me: yeah I鈥檓 a writer I鈥檝e been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.