My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
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Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
They must have gotten it to go.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.