Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
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I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies