me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
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People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”