So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
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I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.