WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
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Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV