[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
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guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
starting a garage orchestra
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!