reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
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You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”