I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
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My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
#polloftheday
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear