When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
You Might Also Like
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
How I like cutting carbs
A woman drives into a bar.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”