“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
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“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.