Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
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*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom