After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
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I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
what’s more important?
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.