Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
You Might Also Like
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
RT if you could go either way.