I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
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“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
repaired
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.