Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
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I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.