I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 馃槀馃槀
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I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Person drinking Smart Water: It鈥檚 like I鈥檓 being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We鈥檙e so much alike.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i鈥檒l have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don鈥檛 have lobster
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it鈥檚 still March
Kids today don鈥檛 even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.