Ah to hear the music of the angles!
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“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show