Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
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Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
adding to the discourse
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room