*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
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dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.