During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
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I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
choose your gary
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??