[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
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[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’