Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
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Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.