[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
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me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Happy Star Wars day!
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this