I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
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Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Writing, She Murdered.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.