*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
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ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
When can I start eating bats again.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word