I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
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2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
want me to check your oil?
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Sign of the day..
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.