someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
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This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.