There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
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My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.