Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
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How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
*jazz hands*
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
can’t wait til they legalize outside
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
HELP 😭
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up