*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
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Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.