One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
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What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
There is no “ea” in Tim.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Always a metermaid never a meter
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?