me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
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A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
In Canada they just call them geese
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.