So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
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[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.