Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
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I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!