If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
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Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
what kind of cook setting is this??
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
I am yelling
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.