Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
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Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.