I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
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If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
These work great until they don’t.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
What flavor cupcake are these
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.