Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
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Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Anyone else having a near life experience today?