Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
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Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.