I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
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Realize this:
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.