A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
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Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me: