I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
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Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
I feel it
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.