The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
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I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
*looks at you in batman voice*
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
The best plant holders?
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves