Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
You Might Also Like
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?