According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
You Might Also Like
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher