You Might Also Like
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand